so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
