Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
