Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
