hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
