ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
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