I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
being pregnant is like rehab
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
