I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
