im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Randomize
