he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Randomize
