I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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