I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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