Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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