True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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