The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
