I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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