he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I need moral support for this bender
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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