If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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