wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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