ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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