saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Randomize
