And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
