god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
