Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize