I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
