Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Randomize
