When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
