Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
You've changed since you got that strap on
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
