I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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