I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
