Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
