She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize