i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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