Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
