Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
