Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
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