he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize