NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
