census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
