the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
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