They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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