If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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