Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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