When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
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