Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize