3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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