I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
