If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
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