I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
