my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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