I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
