i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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