Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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