I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Randomize
