He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
