you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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